Managed to convince mum to take me into town to get some school stuff. Had an apple in the morning, then when she took me out I managed to distract myself for a good couple of hours. Feeling very weak at the mo, and pretty lightheaded. She cooked baked potato and salad but i just ate the skin and some of the salad, and still purged on that. Talked to everyone on facebook for a few more hours and then, God, I'm so fucking angry at myself. I binged on a box of chocolate fingers. As soon as I'd stuffed all that down my fat face i knew I had to get rid of it so i did, it was pretty painful this time but that's probably just 'cause i've done it twice in one night. I felt better afterwards though, but i know that calories would still be in my system so i did 200 situps. Now feeling pretty tired which is a blessing 'cause sleep uses up so much time. watching jackass really cheers me up though and I really enjoy doing my journal, like i'm some sad sunday school chick with no friends. I think mums started to notice something so ill have to make sandwiches during the day and throw them in the river or something so she doesn't notice. I wanted to tell K so bad today, but she's got so much shit going on and it's silly 'cause i can manage on my own and she'd only lecture me, but I just feel quite lonely at the moment, but yeah that's the way I've chosen to be. I think that's all for now. Gonna try and get some sleep.
Stay strong.
s x
Tuesday 19 August 2008
I wear my sunglasses at night
Last night was kinda fun. Mum, S, M, and I went to the theatre to see this play. My god it was shit, it was the kinda thing you'd do for a grade 6 LAMDA exam, not exactly west-end material but hey, that's showbiz right. It's a shame mum and S were driving 'cause normally it's quite funny to watch them getting drunk and S's boobs introducing themselves more and more to unsuspecting men. Mind, they still had to Vodka and tonics each so there you go. Going over the limit doesn't exist in my world. i knew this evening would all be about M going "do i look fat in this? do i look thin? like, do i look like i've put on weight?" But last night she really took the piss. It's like how selfish can you get, you know i can just feel her eyes watching me if i look okay, and if we're with anyone else she'll say something nasty to humiliate me. The other day she was like "Oh we can swop outfits if you want?' Like no. I like what I'm wearing. She always changes when we're around boys, and tries to humiliate me. She asked me what i'd eaten that day, and when I said nothing, her face dropped and she was like: right I can't have an ice cream now. Why? Because she can't eat more than me. "i have an anorexic mind, you have to eat or i'll hate you.' how fucking insensitive can you get? i have a problem and I'll admit that but at least i can keep it a secret, I don't go running around being like "ive eaten nothing all week". i certainly learned a lesson last night, even when your best friends ask what you've had, you lie. Cause it's for the greater good. I spent the rest of the evening trying to tell her that i just hadn't had time to eat, whilst she loudly said things to my mum like: "Mm well S must be hungry. Arn't you?"
Anyway it's 2pm, only had an apple and have done my workout video for half an hour which is pretty intense. Feeling quite lightheaded and a bit sick but you know I accept those things. It's all gonna pay off in the end. Purged yesterday after eating dinner because it was put in front of me when we got home. That's the thing, I can't get out of it. So i eat it and wait and then purge later on which hey, it's not nice but y'know it has to be done. Started taking sleeping pills 'cause i just think about food otherwise. I have to keep busy so i'm gonna do some work then back to my journal which is a really good distraction. I could really do with some people who know what Im going through to talk to. Lost three pounds this week which is you ask me if pretty good. Drinking iced water all the time and whenever i feel like bingeing i brush my teeth. Ana is slowly teaching me I don't need food, i don't crave it as much and the effects although tiring make me feel stronger.
stay strong
s x
Anyway it's 2pm, only had an apple and have done my workout video for half an hour which is pretty intense. Feeling quite lightheaded and a bit sick but you know I accept those things. It's all gonna pay off in the end. Purged yesterday after eating dinner because it was put in front of me when we got home. That's the thing, I can't get out of it. So i eat it and wait and then purge later on which hey, it's not nice but y'know it has to be done. Started taking sleeping pills 'cause i just think about food otherwise. I have to keep busy so i'm gonna do some work then back to my journal which is a really good distraction. I could really do with some people who know what Im going through to talk to. Lost three pounds this week which is you ask me if pretty good. Drinking iced water all the time and whenever i feel like bingeing i brush my teeth. Ana is slowly teaching me I don't need food, i don't crave it as much and the effects although tiring make me feel stronger.
stay strong
s x
Sunday 17 August 2008
music sounds better with you
Today was a bad one. as far as being ana is concerned then I guess yeah, it was pretty good. Got up at 10 after doing 200 sit-ups whilst watching the jeremy kyle show. I mean christ, if watching the 20-something mothers of four, each and every one accessorized with a corydon facelift isn't enough inspiration to make you want to loose weight then I don't know what is. Got dressed and pulled out mums mountain bike and cycled into the village. I'd like bike riding normally 'cept I have to go along main roads and I hate it when the cars come along behind me 'cause I'm scared that a) they'll run me over, or b), more importantly, they're looking at how fat my arse is. Picked up some fruit at the local shop, they didn't have much there but it still managed to till up to 7 bloody pounds. When I'd trekked home, having skipped breakfast I attempted to eat an apple, still feel pretty bad about breakfast 'cause I should have got up earlier and burned more calories having a yoghurt and then doing the dance video workout. Spent most of the morning and early afternoon on anamia websites and downloading lots of great workout songs which I tested on a run round the lake with the doggy. I guess this is where the day got bad, I texted F a couple of days ago, stupidly believing he'd text back. I just don't get him. I thought we might have been going somewhere, like 5 months ago and then when he ran off to america for five months without even telling me, I felt like the girl I've never wanted to be like, the one who's dependent on having some boy-shape care about her. And now he's back? And barely said two words to me? As much as I lie and say it doesn't, it drives me crazy. I know he's watching me when I run, but instead of the familiar flirtatious text left on my phone when I check it, there is nothing but a blank screen. I think he knew he was leaving, and took any girl he could in those last few weeks, knowing that there would be no consequences whatever he did because he could just run away. I think that's where I got the real start of ED. It doesn't help that when I run, I gasp for breath and have to stop so often and I know it's because I can see him w bt atching me, and I panic and I can't breathe because I can imagine him looking at how fat I've got and seeing my stomach jump when I run. I can only stop if I'm behind tree's and I'm sure he can't see me, even then I pretend to stretch, the taste of blood in my mouth. I walked past the other day and I could see blonde hair creeping out from a the hood of a red jumper. It could have been A but I'm sure it was a girl. I need to get over him and even I can accept that, but it's hard because whatever I do he'll still be there.
At the moment I'm pretty disgusted at myself, mum put dinner on the dining table, it was a baked potato with cheese and a vegetarian pie and broccoli. I tried to drain the butter off my broccoli and ate that first, chewing it slowly to make me feel fuller, and I could feel her eyes on me, scrutinizing me. Recently I've taken to cooking my own food so I have control of what I eat if I eat it at all. I ended up eating everything because I reasoned that I've only had about 60 calories that day, and there are 65 in a jacket potato. but then with the cheese and butter? God knows. I'm trying to do 600 cals a day, but I think I'm mostly doing a lot less than that which is good as I burn a lot doing my exercises. I created a diary this evening and I'm going to post each of my entries into it, I think when I'm feeling weak or naive I'll look at it and ana will help me somehow. Gonna try and do another 200 sit-ups before I go to sleep having failed to do my dance workout, and eating 2 chocolate digestives. I poured chanel perfume over the rest and threw them out the window, hopefully that will be enough to keep me away from them. I've been trying to decide whether to try seeing mia to get rid of all that I threw down my throat earlier, but I'm scared mum will hear so maybe I'll try tomorrow when she's at work. Will start lemonade only diet this week, so hopefully I will loose three pounds in that seven days. Feeling pretty weak and hunger hurts, but starving works.
Stay strong.
s x
At the moment I'm pretty disgusted at myself, mum put dinner on the dining table, it was a baked potato with cheese and a vegetarian pie and broccoli. I tried to drain the butter off my broccoli and ate that first, chewing it slowly to make me feel fuller, and I could feel her eyes on me, scrutinizing me. Recently I've taken to cooking my own food so I have control of what I eat if I eat it at all. I ended up eating everything because I reasoned that I've only had about 60 calories that day, and there are 65 in a jacket potato. but then with the cheese and butter? God knows. I'm trying to do 600 cals a day, but I think I'm mostly doing a lot less than that which is good as I burn a lot doing my exercises. I created a diary this evening and I'm going to post each of my entries into it, I think when I'm feeling weak or naive I'll look at it and ana will help me somehow. Gonna try and do another 200 sit-ups before I go to sleep having failed to do my dance workout, and eating 2 chocolate digestives. I poured chanel perfume over the rest and threw them out the window, hopefully that will be enough to keep me away from them. I've been trying to decide whether to try seeing mia to get rid of all that I threw down my throat earlier, but I'm scared mum will hear so maybe I'll try tomorrow when she's at work. Will start lemonade only diet this week, so hopefully I will loose three pounds in that seven days. Feeling pretty weak and hunger hurts, but starving works.
Stay strong.
s x
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