I wear my sunglasses at night

Last night was kinda fun. Mum, S, M, and I went to the theatre to see this play. My god it was shit, it was the kinda thing you'd do for a grade 6 LAMDA exam, not exactly west-end material but hey, that's showbiz right. It's a shame mum and S were driving 'cause normally it's quite funny to watch them getting drunk and S's boobs introducing themselves more and more to unsuspecting men. Mind, they still had to Vodka and tonics each so there you go. Going over the limit doesn't exist in my world. i knew this evening would all be about M going "do i look fat in this? do i look thin? like, do i look like i've put on weight?" But last night she really took the piss. It's like how selfish can you get, you know i can just feel her eyes watching me if i look okay, and if we're with anyone else she'll say something nasty to humiliate me. The other day she was like "Oh we can swop outfits if you want?' Like no. I like what I'm wearing. She always changes when we're around boys, and tries to humiliate me. She asked me what i'd eaten that day, and when I said nothing, her face dropped and she was like: right I can't have an ice cream now. Why? Because she can't eat more than me. "i have an anorexic mind, you have to eat or i'll hate you.' how fucking insensitive can you get? i have a problem and I'll admit that but at least i can keep it a secret, I don't go running around being like "ive eaten nothing all week". i certainly learned a lesson last night, even when your best friends ask what you've had, you lie. Cause it's for the greater good. I spent the rest of the evening trying to tell her that i just hadn't had time to eat, whilst she loudly said things to my mum like: "Mm well S must be hungry. Arn't you?"
Anyway it's 2pm, only had an apple and have done my workout video for half an hour which is pretty intense. Feeling quite lightheaded and a bit sick but you know I accept those things. It's all gonna pay off in the end. Purged yesterday after eating dinner because it was put in front of me when we got home. That's the thing, I can't get out of it. So i eat it and wait and then purge later on which hey, it's not nice but y'know it has to be done. Started taking sleeping pills 'cause i just think about food otherwise. I have to keep busy so i'm gonna do some work then back to my journal which is a really good distraction. I could really do with some people who know what Im going through to talk to. Lost three pounds this week which is you ask me if pretty good. Drinking iced water all the time and whenever i feel like bingeing i brush my teeth. Ana is slowly teaching me I don't need food, i don't crave it as much and the effects although tiring make me feel stronger.

stay strong
s x