music sounds better with you

Today was a bad one. as far as being ana is concerned then I guess yeah, it was pretty good. Got up at 10 after doing 200 sit-ups whilst watching the jeremy kyle show. I mean christ, if watching the 20-something mothers of four, each and every one accessorized with a corydon facelift isn't enough inspiration to make you want to loose weight then I don't know what is. Got dressed and pulled out mums mountain bike and cycled into the village. I'd like bike riding normally 'cept I have to go along main roads and I hate it when the cars come along behind me 'cause I'm scared that a) they'll run me over, or b), more importantly, they're looking at how fat my arse is. Picked up some fruit at the local shop, they didn't have much there but it still managed to till up to 7 bloody pounds. When I'd trekked home, having skipped breakfast I attempted to eat an apple, still feel pretty bad about breakfast 'cause I should have got up earlier and burned more calories having a yoghurt and then doing the dance video workout. Spent most of the morning and early afternoon on anamia websites and downloading lots of great workout songs which I tested on a run round the lake with the doggy. I guess this is where the day got bad, I texted F a couple of days ago, stupidly believing he'd text back. I just don't get him. I thought we might have been going somewhere, like 5 months ago and then when he ran off to america for five months without even telling me, I felt like the girl I've never wanted to be like, the one who's dependent on having some boy-shape care about her. And now he's back? And barely said two words to me? As much as I lie and say it doesn't, it drives me crazy. I know he's watching me when I run, but instead of the familiar flirtatious text left on my phone when I check it, there is nothing but a blank screen. I think he knew he was leaving, and took any girl he could in those last few weeks, knowing that there would be no consequences whatever he did because he could just run away. I think that's where I got the real start of ED. It doesn't help that when I run, I gasp for breath and have to stop so often and I know it's because I can see him w bt atching me, and I panic and I can't breathe because I can imagine him looking at how fat I've got and seeing my stomach jump when I run. I can only stop if I'm behind tree's and I'm sure he can't see me, even then I pretend to stretch, the taste of blood in my mouth. I walked past the other day and I could see blonde hair creeping out from a the hood of a red jumper. It could have been A but I'm sure it was a girl. I need to get over him and even I can accept that, but it's hard because whatever I do he'll still be there.
At the moment I'm pretty disgusted at myself, mum put dinner on the dining table, it was a baked potato with cheese and a vegetarian pie and broccoli. I tried to drain the butter off my broccoli and ate that first, chewing it slowly to make me feel fuller, and I could feel her eyes on me, scrutinizing me. Recently I've taken to cooking my own food so I have control of what I eat if I eat it at all. I ended up eating everything because I reasoned that I've only had about 60 calories that day, and there are 65 in a jacket potato. but then with the cheese and butter? God knows. I'm trying to do 600 cals a day, but I think I'm mostly doing a lot less than that which is good as I burn a lot doing my exercises. I created a diary this evening and I'm going to post each of my entries into it, I think when I'm feeling weak or naive I'll look at it and ana will help me somehow. Gonna try and do another 200 sit-ups before I go to sleep having failed to do my dance workout, and eating 2 chocolate digestives. I poured chanel perfume over the rest and threw them out the window, hopefully that will be enough to keep me away from them. I've been trying to decide whether to try seeing mia to get rid of all that I threw down my throat earlier, but I'm scared mum will hear so maybe I'll try tomorrow when she's at work. Will start lemonade only diet this week, so hopefully I will loose three pounds in that seven days. Feeling pretty weak and hunger hurts, but starving works.

Stay strong.

s x